


Clean Minds & Cleaner Souls

by PseudoFox



Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Anthropomorphic, Comedy, Furry, Humor, M/M, Major Original Character(s), Minor Original Character(s), Recreational Drug Use, References to Drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 04:37:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15016832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PseudoFox/pseuds/PseudoFox
Summary: Officer Nick Wilde decides to spend some of his off-duty time speaking to a group of young rabbits in a new Bunnyburrow library. The anti-drug message, while important, goes in one ear and out the other. Nick decides to go off-script, telling the cynical bunch a peculiar take on an urban legend.





	Clean Minds & Cleaner Souls

The newly developed buildings within the center of Bunnyburrow featured not only a brilliant look– pieces of shiny marble sticking out into the sky beside wide tracks of flower-filled grass– but they even had a nice smell to them. The fox making his way up a spiral staircase in an edifice of sparkling glass and metal, at least, thought so. The calm, earthy musk of rabbits running about everywhere merged with this bigger nasal aura of professionalism– seeping out from all of the building materials. The fox particularly enjoyed walking into the public library's gigantic entrance as well. It had a sort of sweeping sensation due to the complex's acoustics that felt as if someone had gently caressed his ears.

Officer Nick Wilde had kept his uniform on although he had the entire day off duty. He hadn't yet gotten the name of the short and stout fellow in front of them. The prey mammal continued to babble out various murmurings that the fox didn't make out. Still, the fox knew from the other mammal's own outfit that the task at paw had some serious importance to it. He'd heard as such already from his close partner, Judy Hopps, and she'd made it all clear to the fox that morning. Educating the youth of Bunnyburrow, Nick thought, took more than pure intelligence. The task required lot of determination and tenacity– exactly the kind of things he was genuinely famous for.

"It's a new experience to say the least, talking to all of these young ones in the D.A.R.E. program," Nick said, stopping to straighten the fur across his face. The shiny reflection in the side the nearby metal bookshelf looked absolutely dashing. "I'm positive that everything will go well."

"Do you know a lot about folklore, Officer Wilde? Rituals connected to 'old vixen's tales' giving advice about what to do from times long past?" asked the fat hare, his paws nervously wandering around his checkerboard-like dotted shirt.

"Folklore?" the fox repeated. He stopped, turning around a bit. It took a long, anxious moment of silence for the prey mammal to clean his thick glasses, slip them back onto his quivering face, and go on.

"Ms. Hopps had mentioned you using this story with a particular Aesop-like message at the end, plus a bit of stage performance," the hare said.

"Oh, yes! And Mr. Scamper," the fox began, shifting his eyes upward. Meeting the prey mammal's gaze a moment ago had only made matters worse. "I've spoken to plenty of groups of young rabbits before, really!" He tried to lay on the utmost confidence in his voice.

"I'm not doubting your sincerity at all, goodness," the hare continued, "but I still–"

"They're genuinely 'what you see is what you get'– that's that. You tell them a tale, you add a little showmammalship, and then you finish things up. It's simple," Nick argued.

"Something's... 'off' about this bunch," the hare murmured in a low voice.

Rather than say anything back, the fox put on a big smile. The show of his big teeth, unfortunately, served to make the hare feel even more unsettled. Nick shut his mouth and paused for a bit– letting the other mammal gather various anxious thoughts together into coherent speech.

"I understand where your confidence comes from. And it's so wonderful for you... to come around, of course, but I just," the hare mumbled, walking over yet again to the door leading into an adjacent meeting area. The massive library featured all kinds of smaller rooms within its different floors, and this particular one had filled up with over two dozen over the past half hour. "We've got a lot to think about with this particular bunch, you know what I mean? I've been in a dozen D.A.R.E. programs, and I've never seen a more cynical and yet still thick-headed group. One of them even pulled that old chestnut about how the acronym might as well stand for 'Drugs Are Really Excellent', oof! These local preteens... I..." He trailed off as sweat beaded down his cheeks. "Well..."

"I do feel like a mid-level corporate manager at Preyda or WoolMart if I start off with these charts," Nick remarked, gesturing over at the various visual aids propped up against the wall, "maybe we can start by changing things there? Do something more appealing?"

"Oh, Mrs. Leaps spent a huge amount of time working on those, and it would be heart-breaking if she heard they didn't get put 'into action', so to speak," the hare replied. He placed a paw on the doorknob leading to the meeting room, twitching his nose while waiting for a response from the fox.

"It's fine. Look, there's no point in just talking on and on, why don't we just start?" Nick took in a little breath, straightened his uniform, and clutched the tops of the charts. "So, 'Clean Minds & Cleaner Souls'... here we come!"

The two mammals stepped into the other room. Clearly intended for professional classes and those sorts of things, the room's overhead projector and neatly arranged sets of finely-edged black tables– coupled with curved grey chairs that seemed out of military surplus– reminded Nick of countless Zootopian government events. The group of two dozen young rabbits that sat about in a haphazard-looking clump in the middle few rows appeared totally out of place. Their big frowns and mostly quiet yet constant bickering among themselves– not to mention the mammals pushing and shoving each other for no reason every other moment– spoke volumes. One of two of them wore the t-shirts with the prominent D.A.R.E. logo delicately sewn upon it, but the vast majority looked perfectly ready to hop out of the meeting and into an arcade, a resturant, a theater, or anywhere else in Bunnyburrow without that pervasive aura of... learning.

"Hello, little ones!" Nick stuck out both arms and made two friendly waves. The group stared blankly back at him. "I'm Officer Nick Wilde!"

"Hi, Officer Wilde," murmured a few mammals from deep within the throng of little rabbits.

"Today," Nick began, "I'll tell–"

A loud burst of Gazelle's old chestnut "Try Everything!" sounded off from the far corner of the meeting room. Nick froze, his body locking itself in a wide stance with paws curling up. The fat hare that had followed the fox in turned several dark shades of pink.

"Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry!" The hare fumbled around his pockets for his cellphone. "I could've sworn that–" He held it up tightly against his face, the mammal apparently being painfully nearsighted. "Oh, and this looks to be an emergency call as well! Please, just go on without me!"

Before anybody could say anything back, the hare had scurried out of the room. Nick slowly but surely slipped his limbs downward. He glanced out at the various little faces looking back at him. Nobody else seemed to care. Thus, the fox thought, he shouldn't show any signs of stopping either.

"It's great to be speaking to D.A.R.E. mammals as everything starts winding up! Today, we're talking about smoking!" Nick declared, moving to set up his visual aids. He sucked in a little breath before moving on. "And we're particularly concentrating on the sadly common but deadly use of cigarettes and other tobacco products, okay?"

"Yeah," remarked one of the young ones from the front row, "fine, then."

Nick locked eyes with that mammal for a moment. The bunny's hair had a peculiar sort of tuft of fur that stuck out in a jagged way, reminding Nick of a cartoon character. The rabbit's baggy yet spotlessly clean t-shirt featured a huge Fur Fighters logo. The fox's mind began to sketch out a psychological type– thinking up jaded yet open-minded identity based a lot on various items that the bunny's economically middle-class family could afford– without Nick even really consciously thinking of that. He resolved, acting by instinct, to try and win over that particular young mammal as a linchpin to winning over them all.

"Let's get down to the 'guts' of the issue," Nick commented. He lifted an eyebrow. "Literally!" He pulled out the first of the huge posters that he'd laid down upon the desk beside him. "Take a look at this!"

"Ugh!" A pair of female rabbits that looked like twins, their pink dresses featuring numerous buttons and bright stars, both covered their eyes.

"Gross, seriously," called out a bunch of bunnies, their obscured faces sticking out a bit from within the middle of the crowd.

"So weird! Disgusting!" The Fur Fighters fan stuck out a tongue.

"That, my little mammals, is what a fox my age and my size that happens to be a regular smoker can expect his lungs to look like," Nick declared. He narrowed his eyes a bit as he reached back for a long yet short ruler. "Note the extreme discoloration due to all of the concentrated chemicals, the toxins going in deep."

"Put that away," murmured a little girl from the far end of the group.

"Now, for contrast," Nick began, shuffling around his visual aids, "take a look at a picture of a healthy fox's lung!"

"Ugh!" The twins covered their eyes again.

"Gross, seriously," moaned the partly obscured bunnies.

"So weird! Disgusting!" The Fur Fighters fan covered his mouth with both paws.

"Okay, look," Nick muttered, hearing a bursts of laughter from within in the group, "I understand that it's not exactly the sort of thing you'd run across ever day, but I'm trying to prove a point."

"Put that away," groaned the same little girl.

"Hold up," Nick remarked. He stepped around in a semi-circle before shuffling his visual aids yet again. "I'm only–"

"That's what's inside of you? Right now?" asked the Fur Fighters fan. He leaned back in his chair and opened his mouth up wide, exposing his gigantic buckteeth. "I guess that's exactly the sort of thing my parents think about when they say they 'can't stand your kind' and whatever."

"Learning why not to smoke is important!" Nick protested. He shot out his ruler and wiggled it at a list of bullet points on his new poster. "There's a list of industrial products here that happen to be in a regular cigarette, and it's incredible what else that they usually do outside of–"

"Officer, we," the twins began, their bodies shaking with nervousness, "we're wondering know where they got the so-called 'healthy'–" They both made air quotes with their paws. "Fox's lung! Did they swipe it out of him? Another fox did that– to one of his own kind?"

"We foxes, we're not," Nick stammered, "I like– wait, please, and let me explain– I'm not sure how they took the image. Yet I'm positive that–"

"I'm sure that fox isn't that healthy anymore," quipped the bunny with the odd tuft of fur.

"Fine! You know what? Forget the posters!" Nick exclaimed.

The force of his yell took several of the bunnies by surprise. The fox slid side to side as he stood in place, trying his best not to frown while he racked his brain for an idea of how to proceed. The young mammals had to have heard the message that cigarettes were sticks of concentrated poison over and over again already. He knew that as absolutely as he knew that the sun would come up on the east over his nice room at the Hopps family house the next morning. He had to come up with something new.

A smattering of an awful idea flashed across the fox's mind. It seemed utterly terrible. It had some creativity, though, going for it. As well, the fox thought, he couldn't simply stand there in utter silence for much longer. He decided to use what he'd been carrying for Judy Hopps' cousin's birthday for something a bit... offbeat.

"Let's forget the standard lectures, okay? The judgmental looks with narrowed eyes and exaggerated accounts of big tobacco's corporate reach because blah-blah-blah in the blah-blah, okay?" Nick asked.

The entire audience seemed to stare out blankly, few of the mammals moving even as they breathed. Nick took that as a sign to continue. He had no clue what else to do otherwise.

"Yes!" Nick reached for a side pocket and pulled out a set of candles. "It's story-time, now! I'll show you exactly why you don't want to smoke!" He grasped a small lighter from another pocket. "Please, gather round–"

"Yeah, we literally can't," the Fur Fighters fan interjected.

"We're already forced into these little rows because of how the tables are," a tall rabbit from inside of the group remarked.

"Well, then," Nick went on, trying and failing to show his exasperation, "just stay as you are! But kind of go limp on your seat and stick those big ears up, because I've got quite a tale for all of you!" He delicately placed the candles out in a circle upon the desk beside him. "And it starts with a bunny much like every one of you, but about half a decade older–" Nick produced a simple black marker and started drawing geometric symbols. "Named Jack Savage!"

"That sounds so familiar for some reason," a skinny rabbit from the front row muttered, scratching all over his face.

"Now, that little striped mammal had a heart full of desperate needs and a mind full of dreams. Both of which far outpaced his really limited life experience, Savage having spent all of his sheltered time at the corner neighborhood of downtown Zootopia. In that city, as the saying goes, 'anybody can be anything', well," Nick continued, finishing up with his peculiar set of symbols drawn on the adjacent table, "and Savage wanted to fulfill his life's purpose. He hoped to find a nice bunny to settle down with, the girl giving him dozens upon dozens of children to feel proud of."

"Ugh, how stereotypical," the Fur Fighters fan remarked. He laid his head upon the table and narrowed his eyes. "I'll bet he wore a pair of dusty overalls with pockets full of carrots, too."

"Savage had a big problem, though. It presented him with an awful dilemma," Nick went on, "as soon as he stepped into the downtown city, going where the young ladies all tended to gather. He braved the big malls and their huge theaters playing all those awful romantic 'comedies'. Yet none of those girls wanted to have anything to do with them. They all closed their eyes and turned away while their twitching tails still fluttered Savage's wanting heart." The fox stretched out his arms and gestured with his paws. "That was only half of it, though."

"Half of what?" the twins asked.

"Predators coming from far and wide– tigers with huge muscles coupled with wolves showing off immense teeth and more– found him beyond interesting. Their eyes feasted on his petite body and its tender curves. Savage felt deeply confused, telling them over and over again to stop acting as if he was a girl." Nick chuckled as he leaned over upon the wall. "His resistance only made the predators more interested. They kept claiming that if he wanted to be truly 'cool' then he needed to start listening to peer pressure. The big mammals could somehow 'turn him into a girl' or something in the right situation, making these faces to him that honestly scared the young rabbit."

"That's weird as all hell," the Fur Fighters fan interjected. He opened his eyes a bit. "What happened next?"

"Desperately trying to look cool enough to appeal to small young ladies without attracting the attention of huge older guys, Savage racked his brain for what he knew from pop culture," Nick answered, cocking his head to the side, "and it wasn't much. He could start wearing black clothes and swearing a lot. He could shave his fur really thin and rub all over the top of his head with foul-smelling gels. He could get a bunch of dramatic-looking tattoos."

"Ride a motorcycle?" chimed in a bunny from the back of the group.

"Oh! I know! He could pierce his lip and listen to that guy with the weird mask who's electronic music is supposed to make you smarter than everyone else or whatever!" A pair of rabbits on the front row felt proud of their sudden idea.

"He went through all of those things in his head," Nick continued, "but none of them seemed like the sort of thing that he could actually manage to do. He also had his parents to worry about. Racked with frustration, Savage finally had a burst of inspiration come over him as he walked beside a barbecue place serving up some fried soy steaks. Little bursts of smoke filtered out far into the air above him, the bunny coming to a standstill on the Zootopian streets."

"Huh?" a few rabbits murmured.

"Smoking!" Nick exclaimed. He slid to the side and held up a poster covered in images of various cigarette packs, the items coming in all kinds of bizarre flavors and even weirder shapes. "Savage's little brain convinced itself that he simply needed to cram his nearby mouth with a bunch of cigarettes. Then, he could waltz on by those prissy rabbit ladies that'd wanted nothing to do with him before only to have an instant harem pop up. His coolness would hit their ovaries like the force of a car hit by a runaway freight train, and one of them would be pumping out his babies for sure."

"I can't believe what I'm hearing," the bunny with the odd tuft of hair remarked.

"So," Nick went on, "Savage went on down to Pack Street. Of course, the teenager couldn't get the cigarettes himself. He only needed to promise a nearby twenty-something hyena playing guitar on the side of the road, though, a few extra bucks for a 'favor'. Sure enough, within a matter of minutes he'd slipped two big sticks of menthol madness into his tiny mouth."

"And?" asked a tall bunny with a smart-looking blue jacket. The offbeat nature of Nick's story had started to win them over. Little eyes watched the fox's every move while their flopping ears hung on his every word. "Please, go on!"

"Savage kicked himself– literally, knocking one limb against the side of his midriff– for his mistake! It was so simple! He'd forgotten to find some way to light those suckers up!" Nick called out. He paused to let a few members of the audience laugh, though most of them simply smiled. "The little mammal scurried up and down Pack Street, but that hyena and his less welcoming friends had all gone. Savage wandered around the nearby streets, feeling deeply confused about where to go. Until..."

"Until what?" inquired the Fur Fighters fan.

"Until he came upon a 'new age' looking store with all kinds of candles in the window," Nick answered, "and, naturally enough, Savage figured that a place filled with things that mammals light up would sell stuff to do just that as well." Nick poised his body behind the adjacent table, gesturing at the peculiar arrangement of thick candles and finely drawn symbols. "A gigantic panther with paws bigger than Savage's entire head came upon the rabbit after a long, sonorous door chime sounded off. He silently leaned down and made a calm smile, arms pressed against his chest as he bowed. Savage decided to stay quiet as well, the bunny wiggling his paws in a gesture that seemed to invoke fire. The panther glanced up at the cigarettes still wedged into Savage's mouth."

Nick paused one more time. The bunnies before him all waited with raw anticipation flashing across their little faces. The fox made a huge grin, thanking whatever gods or goddesses in charge of the world that Judy Hopps wasn't there to hear exactly what he was telling those young mammals.

"A large smile followed by a wave of 'follow me' was just what the panther needed to beckon Savage deeper into the store. Shelves and shelves had gotten filled with all kinds of arcane items, potions promising magical powers in twisting bottles lined up against worn books with titles written in mysterious languages. The massive predator slipped into a hallway and stepped through a series of dark fabrics hung from the distant ceiling. Savage dutifully followed. In a matter of seconds, they both entered a big room in almost complete darkness."

"They were alone?" the twin girls asked.

"Savage thought so at first. However, his eyes soon made out various feline figures in thick cloaks of dark brown, all of them standing many steps away from him and his panther companion. The bunny's eyes locked with those of his beckoning predator. The panther, oddly enough, bowed yet again. The confused yet still not quite scared rabbit bowed back. As before, everything remained in total silence."

"What then?" The girls braced their bodies against each other.

"Well, Savage finally got the nerve to say something. Although his words were jittery and faint, he managed to raise a paw to his cheek and politely asked for a way to light up his cigarettes. At that very moment, a whooshing noise filled the whole space all around him. The rabbit shut his eyes." Nick did the same. "When they opened up, well, the bunny noticed a ring of candles going around the edges of geometric shapes carved on the wooden floor. It had appeared out of nowhere. The thick globs of wax all had perfectly burning wicks." Nick carefully gathered a tiny silver lighter from one of his back pockets. He carefully lit up his own candles on the meeting room's speaker's desk. 

"I'll bet that one of those hooded felines finally had something to say," remarked the Fur Fighters fan.

"Indeed," Nick went on, "one of the big predators slowly but surely stepped over to Savage's side and delicately picked up one of the candles. The panther used it to light up the menthol madness lodged in the corner of Savage's mouth. The bunny made a little nod of appreciation, and then he deeply inhaled."

"And it tasted terrible?" the twins asked.

"Yes and no," Nick answered, traveling in a semi-circle beside his own candles, "since little Savage hadn't realized how strong the smoke would hit him. At the same time, though, the minty flavorings had a certain appeal to the rabbit. What came next, though, while Savage puffed away would change everything."

"Everything," repeated the Fur Fighters fan.

"Savage finally had to rip the two cigarettes out of his mouth and let out a set of big coughs. In the meantime, the panther from the front of the shop sneaked up right behind the rabbit. The predator stuck out his paws and gently caressed them across the bunny's tall ears. Savage's eyes rolled straight up. He witnessed the panther start this impromptu speech."

Nick mimicked the move, his paws wiggling across the ears of an imaginary rabbit standing in front of him. He opened his mouth up wide, showing of all of his teeth, and sucked in a deep breath. The fox knew that this audience had little clue where exactly he was going with the story.

"The panther described something peculiar about smoking cigarettes. They served as 'preparation' for certain mammals." Nick's voice shifted into a low moan with that particular word. "Smoking teaches the 'supplicant' to be able to place filthy yet appealing objects into his or her mouth, with 'submissive' drags of this foreign material sliding right down the 'supplicant's' own throat." Nick sounded off several words as if his voice were a smooth musical instrument.

"I'd never, uh, thought of it that way," said a few bunnies from the middle of the group.

"And strong flavors, particularly those of a variety that seems minty fresh," Nick continued, "slip the senses into an even more 'suggestible' zone. Savage found himself rapidly blinking and lazily rubbing his arms against his chest as he listened to the panther speak. The predator's words had more persuasive confidence than the bunny had ever heard in his entire life. Time lost its meaning for a little bit, and Savage wound up poised flat upon the ground."

"Upon the ground," repeated the bunny with the odd tuft of fur.

"Yes!" Nick exclaimed. He opened his eyes up as wide as he could. "It's more than just some silly little urban legend! The overwhelmed little rabbit wound up with his limbs frozen in place and his rear end posed up into the air. His face and mouth too had gotten propped up on something. Lying flat in the middle of the geometric shapes carved on the wooden floor, yes–"

"I heard that 'it's gay to smoke' line before, but I'd never thought that everything could wind up going, uh, that far," chimed in the the tall bunny in the blue jacket, "you're talking about this weird folktale about bunny sacrifice being... totally true?"

"Yes," Nick repeated, "just not in the religious or spiritual way that some older rabbits might tell you–"

"There's nothing wrong with guys being attracted to other guys, though. Some mammals are simply born that way," interjected one of the oldest looking rabbits, the fuzzy one hopping up into the air to get the attention of his companions in the nearby rows.

"See," Nick began, gesturing at the whiteboard behind him, "there's nothing wrong with being 'gay' as in homosexual or bisexual! Of course!"

"I sense there's a 'but' coming," the Fur Fighters fan remarked.

"Indeed! However, as the urban folklore warns, taking up smoking from predators that look cool but still suck you into their freaky circles means a risk of the other type of gay. As in: G.A.Y." The fox spelled out the letters on the whiteboard behind him. "As the poor bunny about to have his body turned into meat for the predators' ritual learned, it's G.A.Y. to smoke."

"Wait a minute! What's that acronym even mean?" asked a clutch of three young rabbits from deep in the audience.

"Simple," Nick answered, turning and running his paw upon the geometric shapes that he drew on his desk. The candles had started to melt, but they still put a little punch into the narrative force of his peculiar gestures. "The 'g' is for 'graduated'. As in, measuring things scientifically. The 'a' is for 'anal'. As in, related to the anus... the end point of the alimentary canal. The 'y' is for 'yardstick'. As in, the specific object that does the measuring."

"You don't mean," the twin girls muttered, neither of them wanting to finish the thought.

"I do! After smoking those cigarettes, the poor rabbit found himself used as piece of meat to measure the predator's own genitalia. It was a special ritual. They would all have a turn with him, and through the G.A.Y. process they would compare each other's relative sizes and stamina. It's a predator thing that some of the males use to determine relative strength."

The group of preteen rabbits all had utter shock dripping off of their senses. Nick grinned profusely. He leaned down and dramatically blew out all of the candles.

"Any questions?" the fox asked.

At that very moment, three members of the library staff burst into the meeting room. The anxious hare jumped to the front of the little group, his glasses looking about to fall off of his sweat-soaked face. Nick reached over to shake both of the hare's paws.

"I only heard... a few comments, just a... second ago, but," the hare began, sucking in a deep breath as he stammered, "I must say... that..."

Laughter abruptly burst out from the middle of the audience. Various bunnies threw their bodies against their tables, stretched their paws out, and shook all over in the torrent of giggles. It only took a split-second before the whole group were in tears. Their laughs sounded loud enough to be heard across every inch of the library. The Fur Fighters fan wiggled about so much that he literally fell out of his chair, rolling on the hard floor in laughter.

"Group dismissed!" Nick called out.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks very much for reading!


End file.
